The African Parent's Guide to Talking About Feelings
How to move past “It's because of that phone” and “Have you prayed about it?” to actual conversation.
We've all been there. You finally gather the courage to tell your mom you're feeling overwhelmed, anxious, or just plain sad. You expect a hug, or maybe a “Let's talk about it.”
Instead, you get the Holy Trinity of African Parenting Responses:
- “It's because you're always on that phone.”
- “Do you think I had time to be depressed when I was your age?”
- “Let us pray. The devil is a liar.”
It's easy to get frustrated. It's easy to think they don't care. But the truth is more complex: Our parents love us, but they speak a different language of survival.
The Generational Translation Gap
For many African parents, especially the Baby Boomer and Gen X generations, life was about resilience. They navigated civil wars, economic collapses, and the sheer grit of building a life from scratch.
In their world, “feelings” were a luxury they couldn't afford. If they stopped to process their trauma, they might not have been able to keep going. So they buried it. And they expect us to do the same.
When they say “Go and pray,” they aren't being dismissive. Prayer was their therapist. It was the only place they felt safe being vulnerable. They aren't trying to ignore your pain; they're giving you the only tool they know works.
How to Talk So They Hear You
If you want to have a real conversation about mental health with an African parent, you have to stop using Western clinical terms and start using survival terms.
1. Skip the Labels (at first)
Don't start with “Mom, I have Clinical Depression.” To an African parent, that sounds like a foreign diagnosis or a spiritual curse.
Instead, describe the symptoms. “Mom, I haven't been able to sleep for a week, and even when I eat, I feel empty. My heart is heavy and I can't focus on my work.” Physical symptoms are real to them. Heavy hearts are relatable. Clinical labels are scary.
2. Acknowledge Their Sacrifice
African parents need to know you aren't being “ungrateful.” A huge part of their identity is that they suffered so you wouldn't have to. When you say you're struggling, they hear: “The life I built for you isn't enough.”
Start with: “I know how hard you worked to give me everything. I appreciate it so much. That's why I'm worried that I'm feeling this way even with all the opportunities I have. I want to be at my best so I can make you proud.”
3. Use the “Weight” Analogy
Explain mental health as a physical load. “You know how when you carry a heavy load for too long, your back starts to ache even if you're a strong person? My mind is carrying a load right now, and I need help to put it down for a bit so I can get my strength back.”
Healing doesn't have to be heavy
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What to Do When They Don't Get It
Sometimes, despite your best efforts, they still won't understand. And that's okay. You can't force a whole generation to change their worldview overnight.
If your parents can't be your support system, you must build one elsewhere.
- Find your tribe: Talk to cousins, friends, or communities who get it.
- Seek professional help: If you can afford it, see a therapist who understands African cultural dynamics.
- Use anonymous spaces: Sometimes it's easier to talk to a stranger who won't judge your family name.
Remember: You aren't “weak” for having feelings, and they aren't “evil” for not understanding them. You're just two generations trying to love each other across a very wide cultural gap.
Be patient with them. But be even more patient with yourself.
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